[MUSIC PLAYS]
I have graded last week's geography examination...
and the highest score was achieved by...
Minkus. Was it achieved by Minkus?
Does it go to Minkus? Minkus, right?
Mr. Minkus.
That's a shock.
Thank you, Mr. Feeny.
Your bonus question was a real stumper. ow.
Miss owens, excellent.
Mr. Baker, very nice.
Mr. Matthews...
Well, there it is.
A "C"?
But I actually studied for this test.
Why did I get a "C"?
Let's see. Where to begin.
Well, for one thing, Mr. Matthews...
this section of the map is not East Germany.
It's not?
Perhaps you heard of a little incident...
with the Berlin Wall?
Was that during baseball season?
There is no East Germany anymore.
But the textbook says it's right next to West Germany.
Yes, well, the textbook also says that Alaska and Hawaii...
will make fine states someday.
Things change, Mr. Matthews.
Unfortunately, the Board of Education...
doesn't have the funds to keep up.
Then how am I supposed to keep up?
Watch the news. Pay attention in class.
Look at the mimeographs I give you...
before you turn them into paper airplanes.
Ow.
What good would it do?
They keep changing geography.
Why can't it be like all the other subjects?
Math... 2 plus 2 is always 4.
Uh, science...
the Earth always goes around the Sun.
History... Lincoln always gets shot in the head.
Lincoln got off easy.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
All right, heads up.
In these last few moments of class...
I want to make an announcement...
about this year's regional geography tournament.
As some of you may know, for the past five years...
I have always fielded a champion...
and I expect to do the same this year.
So, based on his outstanding scholastic achievement...
I have selected as this year's entrant...
Minkus. Have you selected Minkus?
Mr. Minkus.
And this year's first prize will be...
A Mercator projection pull-down wall map?
No. Uh...
This year's winner will be bat boy...
at the opening game of the World Series.
Ohh.
Did you hear that?
Yeah. So?
So I'm seeing my dream come true here.
Oh, right. Like Feeny's going to take you...
to the geography tournament.
You didn't even know...
they tore down the Berlitz Wall.
[BELL RINGS]
Uh... about this geography tournament...
Yeah?
I think you're making a mistake taking Minkus.
And upon what do you base that bizarre theory?
Well, what's the most important ingredient in winning?
Talent.
Skill.
I want you to stop shaking your head.
The Will to Win.
That's what you need, that's what I got.
This sudden interest in geography...
wouldn't have anything to do...
with this year's World Series bat boy prize...
would it?
No. No way. Not even.
Are you kidding? I'm doing this for you.
You're on a 5-year winning streak...
and I want to bring the big 6 home to you.
You're sucking up to me.
As hard as I can.
Well, thanks, Mr. Matthews.
Concern like yours gives me full confidence.
In me?
In Minkus.
It's Minkus.
I'm full of confidence in Minkus!
Eric, can you babysit...
for your brother and sister Friday night?
Nope. Sorry.
Oh, you misunderstood.
You thought I was asking you a question.
Mom, Aerosmith's Friday.
Oh, you heard about that concert, too?
Yup. I'm taking Heather Ralston.
Great.
Oh, I'll call a sitter and we'll all drive together.
What do you mean, together?
I mean your dad and I have tickets, too.
Morgan, have you seen the broccoli?
Broccoli?
Nope.
Mother... and when I call you that...
I'm referring...
to the generational chasm between us...
which means you couldn't possibly be going...
to the same concert as me.
Why not?
Well, you know, Aerosmith's kind of loud...
for someone your age, Mom.
You should really be listening to...
Careful.
Aren't Peter, Paul, and Mary blowing wind somewhere?
Mom, have you met my good friend Minkus?
It's nice to meet you, Minkus?
Call my mother.
What?
He's a little nervous, Mrs. Matthews.
We're gonna take him upstairs now.
27842...
it's the only Minkus in the book.
What is this broccoli doing in here?
It's hiding the liver.
I'm glad you could come over, Minkus.
Real nice to be here. Can I go now?
Chill.
I don't understand what that means.
It means that 1 out of every 4 people is a nerd.
So when you look around this room...
and you don't see one, you're it.
But we can help you change.
Maybe I like how I am.
You like everyone always making fun of you?
No.
You like always being the last one picked for teams?
No.
You like everyone pulling your underwear...
up your butt all the time?
It's not so bad.
Minkus, let us help you.
We're here for you, man.
It's early in the year.
You can still change your image.
What do I do?
The geography tournament... you don't want to do it.
It'll brand you for life.
But I love geography.
I'm drawn by the adventure and exoticism of it.
Hey. Perhaps you fellows would like to join...
the Future Cartographers of America Club with me.
Let it go, man.
If I don't do the tournament, will you guys like me?
No.
Then I don't see what's in it for me.
All right, name your price, you little creep.
When you guys play Bombardment...
could you not aim the ball at my head anymore?
Deal.
What's the point of playing...
if we can't throw the ball at his head?
Hi. Who's first?
Dad, you can't go to the Aerosmith concert.
He's afraid it will blow out our hearing aids.
I'm just saying it's unnatural.
I mean can't you guys...
find your own concert to go to?
I'm sorry I couldn't get tickets...
for the Neil Sedaka-thon.
Get a clue! We've been listening to Aerosmith...
since before you were born.
Oh, come on, get out of here.
Don't kill my first concert, oK?
This isn't your first Aerosmith concert.
Madison Square Garden, 1978.
We were there, you were here.
You ate him?
How old are these Aerosmith guys, anyway...
like a million?
Yeah, our age.
Row C-C.
Read 'em and Weep.
That's the third row. These are amazing.
Yeah. old guys get good seats.
Maybe we can buy him decent seats near us...
so he can at least see the stage.
I don't want to sit near you guys, oK?
I don't want to be in the same amphitheater as you.
I don't even want to hear the same group as you.
I'll go see if there are any seats left...
for Eric Clapton.
[DOOR CLOSES]
You want to tell him?
[BELL RINGS]
Mr. Feeny, I'm afraid I must tender my resignation...
from the geography tournament.
Mr. Minkus, I'm aware that the changing...
geopolitical face of the globe...
offers a difficult challenge.
I just don't feel that the geography tournament...
fits in with my new image.
And what, pray tell, would that image be?
Stuart Minkus, regular guy.
Mr. Minkus, I have always thought of you...
as exceptional.
Now, why would you suddenly settle for regular?
Read average, read mediocre.
Because exceptional people...
get Bombardment balls thrown at their heads.
And regular guys... do the throwing.
I see.
And I can't convince you...
to postpone your new association...
with the common man until after the tournament?
No. I'm seizing the day.
Carpe diem. Mr. Feeny.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Minkus.
You were the only student I ever had...
who could locate Thrace...
on a map of the ancient world.
Ah, that's easy.
Just go north from the Aegean and...
I know what you're doing, Mr. Feeny...
and it isn't going to... ain't going to work.
I shall miss you, Mr. Minkus.
I only wish I knew...
how I was going to replace you.
Come on, Mr. Feeny.
I'm the only game in town.
Then, Mr. Matthews, there is no game.
Uh, Mr. Feeny.
I noticed you've left the classroom...
and turned east.
Towards Europe, don't you know?
Come on, give me a chance.
A chance to what, Mr. Matthews?
To publicly humiliate me?
No. To win for you.
You've never shown any interest...
in geography before this.
But I do have an interest...
in winning the geography tournament.
I can learn anything when I'm interested in it.
Are you saying that you're willing...
to learn something from me?
Yeah.
And if anyone can teach me, you can.
'Cause that's the kind of teacher you are.
I'm an empty vessel.
How many times have I heard you say that?
I've lost count.
But I'm willing to learn from you.
How many times have you heard me say that?
Well... I don't believe I've ever heard those words...
in that order from you.
All right, Mr. Matthews. I will take you on.
I shall prep you for the tournament.
I know that your motives are not pure...
but I hope your quest for the prize...
will lead you to the temple of knowledge.
Yeah, yeah. If it's on the way.
Mm-hmm.
I thought we were going to the park?
Come on, man, you're studying too much.
The teachers are starting to notice.
Yeah, they're calling you a good student.
They're saying you have potential.
Wow! The highest and lowest points...
in the continental United States...
are only 50 miles apart...
Death Valley and Mount Whitney.
I find that extraordinary.
Extraordinary?
He's mutating, man.
Ow.
Hey, dudes. What's up?
Too Weird for me.
I'm out of here.
Hey, my buds invited me down...
to the sewer pipes to break bottles.
Want to come?
Minkus, I'm glad you're here.
I need to use your brain.
Sorry, my brain is no longer in service.
I don't want to lose this bat boy gig.
In the old days, things used to be so simple.
You had Russia, you had Moscow...
one country, one capital.
Now you've got your Latvia, your Estonia, your Ukraine...
and each one has its own separate capital.
What were these people thinking?
Help me, Minkus.
You're on your own, dude.
Every time I think I'm out...
they try to suck me back in.
You seem to be holding your own quite nicely.
Thanks. Last night I watched House of StyLe on MTV.
What do you think?
I think Western civilization is in its decline.
I completely agree.
I'm going to watch Beavis and Butthead now.
So, Mr. Matthews, how goes the studying?
Great. You know, I'm really getting into it.
Glad to hear it.
I think you're going to make an admirable bat boy.
I hope so...
but learning all this stuff is pretty fun, too.
Did you know that Hawaii...
used to be called the Sandwich islands?
Really? That's fascinating.
We're they named after somebody?
Yes, the Earl of Sandwich.
Sandwich? You don't suppose...
yes, he did invent the sandwich.
Isn't that Weird?
Weird, indeed, Mr. Matthews.
- The buckeye state? - ohio.
- The bluegrass state? - Kentucky.
- Highest mountain in Africa? - Kilimanjaro.
Elton John.
Ours.
- Led Zeppelin. - oh, please.
- Tina Turner. - My mother's.
Eric, if it bothers you so much...
that your mother and I are going to this concert...
why don't you rebel... don't go.
Oh, yeah. I see your game here.
You'd love it if I didn't go to that concert...
wouldn't you? Nice try, Dad.
Heather and I are going to that concert.
We're going to be there 64 rows behind you...
breathing down your neck.
Are your shoulders tense, Mr. Matthews?
Yeah, they're a little tense.
Then I suggest you go like this...
You should really relax, Mr. Feeny.
I got a good feeling about this.
Your trophy's in the bag...
and I'm gonna be handing out bats at the Fall Classic.
Here you are, Mr. Bonds.
Pinch hit for you?
Why, it'd be my pleasure.
Moderator: Contestant 3...
name the indigenous peoples of Tierra deL Fuego.
Who are the Yahgans?
It is unnecessary to phrase your answer...
in the form of a question.
Sorry.
Contestant 4. what is the primary export...
of the Tuamotus?
Are these guys working from a different globe?
I believe that would be copra.
Thank you.
And contestant 5. to whom do they belong?
To whom does who belong?
The Tuamotus.
Of what country are they a possession?
Did you know that Hawaii...
used to be called the Sandwich islands...
which were named after the Earl of Sandwich...
who discovered peanut butter and jelly?
I'm sorry. The answer is France.
Oh, sure. She gets a no brainer... "Copra."
Florida is the southernmost of the United States.
Alaska is the northernmost of the United States.
Puerto Rico is still a territory...
so is Guam.
What does a bat boy do?
I don't know.
They hand players bats. Get it, bat boy?
Well, who would want to do that?
Yeah. What a stupid prize.
What ever happened to...
the Mercator projection pull-down wall map?
Oh...
I'm hitting my head.
I'm hitting the northernmost...
part of my head.
So I try not to look down at row C-C...
because Heather and I are having a good time, you know?
But I can't help looking.
Are Mom and Dad sitting in row C-C?
No, Mom and Dad are dancing in the aisles.
Come on, Eric, I think your parents are really cool.
Oh, good, I'm the lucky boy with the cool parents.
Your mom was sitting on your dad's shoulders.
It Was adorable.
I don't want adorable parents.
Cory, you want adorable parents?
Nope. I just want them to make me lunch...
and pick me up from camp.
Oh, I didn't even tell you the worst thing they did.
What did they do?
Hey!
They wore that.
Hot concert, huh?
Yeah, hot, Dad.
What's the matter? Didn't you guys have a good time?
I had a good time.
Oh, yeah, I had a good time.
Time of my life!
Come on, Heather. I'm taking you home.
Eric, what is the problem?
Well, the problem is that I've waited all year...
to take Heather to the Aerosmith concert.
When I finally do...
I should be having the time of my life.
But I'm not. You know why?
No, why?
Cory.
What? I'm involved. This is interesting.
Because my parents are having my good time.
In better seats.
Why should our good time...
get in the way of your good time?
You're my parents!
You're not supposed to have any fun.
You're supposed to sit here and wait for me to get home.
And how come I'm home first?
We had backstage passes.
All right, that's it. Cory, move over.
I'm sitting next to you in the loser's couch.
You lost that geography thing...
and I lost my music, my parents...
my entire generation.
I studied geography for the last 300 hours...
and I have nothing to show for it.
I had to wait in line all night...
to get those tickets.
The only thing I have to show for it is...
Sonny and Cher.
Eric, I'm sorry, and I know it's tough to hear this...
but your mother and I are at an awkward age.
We're parents, but we're not dead yet.
Fine. Glad somebody had a good time.
Come on, Heather. I'm taking you home.
Eric, stop right there.
Sit back in that couch, both of you.
Join me on the couch, Heather?
Cory, upstairs.
Why? I'm not remotely tired.
Cory.
But suddenly, I'm overcome with fatigue.
Come on, sweetie.
But I want to watch Eric get yelled at.
Lots of opportunities for that.
You know, Dad, it really wouldn't be too cool...
to start yelling at me in front of my girlfriend.
You know, when I was your age...
I had a father like the one you want.
But What I Wanted...
was a father like the one you got.
Live With it.
Did my parents just leave us alone... together?
Yeah, I think they just did.
I'm the lucky boy with the cool parents.
Not that cool!
[BELL RINGS]
Mr. Minkus...
I see you've abandoned your MTV look.
Well, nothing against Cindy Crawford...
but I'm more of a Connie Chung kind of guy.
Well, sometimes a man doesn't know himself...
until he's walked a mile...
in another man's humungous pants.
Hey, Minkus. Who owns the Tuamotus?
France.
Oh.
He would've brought home the big 6, wouldn't he?
Very likely.
Well, I want you to know that I tried my hardest.
Did you?
Do you really feel you gave it your best...
that you studied...
as hard as you possibly could?
Yeah, I do.
You know, Mr. Matthews, many 15th century explorers...
believed that geography meant taking...
their little boat as far as it could go...
before it fell off the earth.
You have pushed yourself to your farthest latitudes.
And not only did you not topple over the edge...
but, I believe, together...
we have charted new territory.
What's this?
That is this week's geography exam.
I got an "A"?
Yes, it's an "A."
Congratulations, Mr. Matthews.
We won.
Sports announcer: There are 2 outs...
and Barry Bonds steps up to the pLate.
The pitcher winds up and...
Second announcer: Wait. wait. wait a minute. Ed.
It Looks Like the bat boy is running out onto the fieLd!
She seems to be carrying a banner...
and she's holding it up. John.
Gosh. Ed. what's it say?
It says. "Get France out of the Tuamotus. "
Where are the Tuamotus. Ed?
WeLL. I guess they're in France. John.
Hey. you know I always thought the Tuamotus...
were the indigenous peoples of Tierra deL Fuego.
Oh. no. John.
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